If I learned anything from this
year, it’s that things don’t always go how you imagine them to go in your head.
At the beginning of this year, I was exhausted, completely drained, and in a
seemingly endless depression-like funk. Today, I’m still drained and still
exhausted, but the depression, that’s gone, or at least dormant for now, and in
its place is this terribly cliché sense of hope and limitlessness. For the
first time since high school I actually believe that my future looks bright.
How about that? A large reason for this
recent perspective change has to do with my new job. As of two days ago I
became a library page at my local library. Ten dollars an hour and nineteen
hours a week of pure bliss. I still have my retail job, and I’ll get to that
later, but having this new position at the library has been so restorative. The
people are so kind, helpful and thoughtful and there’s a real sense of camaraderie.
Everyone is looking to offer support and help, whether that’s showing the new
girl how to shelve books or telling a joke to a fellow coworker who looks like
they could use a little pick me up. It’s a nice reminder of how great people
can be.
As for my retail job. I know what
you’re thinking, ‘what could possibly be good about your retail job? You always
talk about how much you hate it.’ This is true. I still hate my retail job,
however, I’m finally at the point where I’m able to be more myself with my
coworkers. I’ve been able to hold conversations and make jokes and participate
in the coworker bonding experiences that I felt so alienated from. Then there’s
the crush I have on the girl I work with. When I say that this is the worst
crush I’ve ever had on another human being in my life, I mean it. I like this
girl so much I actually got to the point where I couldn’t eat or sleep because
I was thinking about her so much. I like her so much that I’ll be watching TV
or Netflix (if you haven’t watched Stranger Things on Netflix stop reading this
right now and watch it, it’s so good) and think ‘hey, I bet she would like
this.’ Or I’ll be driving home from work as the sun is going down and I’ll
picture her sitting next to me smiling with her arms hanging out of the window.
Or I’ll be walking past a restaurant and I’ll think of her sitting across from
me.
But more than just picturing us
together. I actually have it in my brain that I have a chance with this girl. That
with some awkward conversations and some charm that I can get this girl to like
me enough to hang out with me outside of work. I have no problem seeing myself
introducing her to my family or friends. I have no problem seeing myself being
introduced to her family. I have no problem seeing myself tell everyone at work
that we’re dating. And if I’m being completely honest, she’s the only reason
why I haven’t been putting forth that much effort to leave my shitty retail
job. We only share a couple of shifts a month, but I have it in my brain that I
can make her fall for me and once that happens I can quit and dye my hair
forest green and we can listen to records in her room.
And you want to know what the real
kicker of this whole crush is. All the anxiety I have about explaining my
sexuality to my family completely evaporates when I think of us together. Like,
somehow the idea of having to explain her to my family, something that I’ve
been dreading since I figured out that I am, in fact, non-hetero, completely
disappears. Instead of the questions and conversion tactics that I expect from
my family upon coming out, I see my family meeting her and being completely
okay with me and my sexuality. Will that actually happen? Who the fuck knows?
All I know is that I’m going to give this potential relationship with this girl
my all. I’m going to be as adorable as I can. I’m going to casually try to find
any reason I can to talk to her and compliment her. I’m not going to let my
anxiety stop me from getting to know her better. And in the end, if it doesn’t
work out, it’s not going to be because I didn’t give it my all, you know?
What did I tell you about being
full of cliché hope? Anyway, I just thought I would leave a little update for
the two of you who actually read these things. I hope you are having a
wonderful day, afternoon, night, whenever you are reading this. Stay gold.
Your hopeful writer,
X
