I'm Falling Apart A Little Bit

Trigger Warning: Anxiety, depression, food, eating disorder

If any of the topics listed above are triggering to you, please do not read this post. I would suggest instead you watch this adorable video of a little girl singing her heart out until her brother comes in and interrupts her performance. I was crying from laughing so hard after watching this.
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I’m falling apart a little bit. I’m stressed. I’m anxious. I’m angry. I have this cloud of nervous energy constantly surrounding me. There are some things that I need to talk about and I don’t know how to and even if I did I don’t know who I’m supposed to talk to them about. It’s never been so bad that I haven’t been able to write about it, but I feel like if I let myself write it down I’m not going to be able to function and I have too much shit to do to fall apart right now. Work is all that’s keeping me going. Knowing that I have a responsibility to be somewhere and perform certain duties at a particular time is just about the only source of consistency that I have. I picked up three extra shifts. I’m working over 40 hours a week. I get home, eat and collapse in bed only to wake up the next day and repeat the cycle over again.

I don’t know how things are going with the girl I like. I’m getting all sorts of mixed signals from her and I don’t know if I should back off because I’m making her uncomfortable or keep going to see if she’ll pick up that I like her. Part of me thinks that she already knows I like her and I’m making her uncomfortable, maybe because she’s straight, maybe because she’s not interested in me, maybe because she’s uncomfortable being flirted with at work (not that you can really call talking to her about work in the five minutes we ever spend together flirting), maybe it’s something else. Another part of me thinks she has absolutely no clue that I like her, maybe she thinks I’m straight and just being friendly, maybe she just thinks I’m talking to her because it’s something to do at work, who knows?

Uncertainty! That seems to be the theme recently. I can’t seem to get a straight answer to anything and my anxiety and the stress and this other shit I’m dealing with is making everything so hard. I find myself wishing time away. I’m unsatisfied with everything I’m doing. I’m unhappy everywhere I am. Oh and top of everything else, I’m getting weird with food again. It’s been going on for about a month now and it’s almost like I don’t enjoy eating anymore. I’ll be sort of hungry and I know that I should eat and I make something for myself and I take a couple of bites and I feel like I can’t eat anymore. It’s not that I’m not hungry because my stomach will still be growling, but I feel like I can’t keep the food down, like each bite is a struggle to swallow, which is new for me. I’m starting to lose weight. I’m not eating enough to support the amount of work I do in a day. I’m tired. My nails are brittle. My hair and skin looks dull. My teeth hurt. 

I hope my future self and those of you reading this are in a much better place than I currently am and I hope that you continue to be in that same better place for a very, very long time. 

Hopefully I get better soon, 

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