I just spent an unreasonable amount of time trying to recover this blog and an even more unreasonable time doom-scrolling through my old Tumblr post trying to relive my artistic "glory days".
It's been 4 years since I've logged into this blog and in 4 years a hell of a lot has happened. I mean, we're in the middle of a pandemic now. I think that is as drastic a difference as there can be. Also, I'm ten million times happier now than I've ever been (well maybe not as a child but I think I'm as close as I can get to that.) I came out to my parents and am in a committed relationship with the girl of my dreams (and before you don't ask, it's not the girl that I was obsessing about for 2 years). I cry all the time, constantly, an act of kindness, a video on my phone, a random Tuesday, I actually weep. (Three cheers for improving my emotional intelligence.) I moved out of my parent's place and have been living with said girlfriend for over a year. As I said, a whole hell of a lot has happened.
So why am I back?
Great question.
Well, being locked down for over 7 months has given me a lot to think about. It's made me realize that I haven't been this lonely, since college. That realization led me to old stories I wrote, old journals, my old finsta, my old Tumblr, and ultimately here. Looking back at that stuff reminded me of that disconnected, isolated, anxiety ridden version of myself I hadn't thought about in probably 3 years and it felt a little too close to home.
I don't think I ever really understood how lonely I was. I mean, I had to have had an idea because I wrote about it all the time, but I don't think I really understood. Looking back, I could just feel myself calling out for any kind of human interaction. In my stories I wrote about the girl who was never fully understood. On my finsta and Tumblr I posted for complete strangers. I let them in on my thoughts and feelings because I didn't know them and their opinions didn't carry as much weight as my family or friend (that's not a typo) which made it easier to be myself. I did the same here with my blog posts. First, I tried the DIY/Tutorial route with my alcohol ink sprays and Altoids tin watercolor palette, but that didn't go far. Then I switched it up to show my art/writing journal, but again that faded fast. Right before I left, I tried the classic "spill your guts" blog post style and then I disappeared for 4 years.
Four years ago I was pining after a girl who I haven't spoken to in over 2 years. Five years ago I was a senior in college with no friends and no idea how I was going to pay off $22,000 of student loan debt. Six years ago I was a junior in college who lived with my aunt and uncle and would pretend I was asleep so that I wouldn't be asked about my day because I never had any plans. During that time, I produced some of my favorite, most creative, artistic work. I was bold. I switched mediums often and even believed I could write a book someday. I want that back...minus the isolation and depression bits. I want to see if I can create while happy.
I guess I'll find out.
With Love,
X
