Election Night 2020

I cannot believe it's actually here. Election Night...It feel like I've aged 10 years since 2016. I think a lot of us feel that way. 

What's going to happen? I turned on the news as they were talking about businesses who have boarded up their stores in anticipation for tonight and this is not the first time I've heard this. It seems that across the board, whether Biden wins or Trump holds, people expect there to be violence. An article I read yesterday said that gun sales have shot up in 2020. People are anxious, antsy, depressed, facing intense quarantine fatigue with no end in sight, they're out of work and know that we won't know a definitive winner tonight. 

What is going to happen?

Four Years Later...

I just spent an unreasonable amount of time trying to recover this blog and an even more unreasonable time doom-scrolling through my old Tumblr post trying to relive my artistic "glory days". 

It's been 4 years since I've logged into this blog and in 4 years a hell of a lot has happened. I mean, we're in the middle of a pandemic now. I think that is as drastic a difference as there can be. Also, I'm ten million times happier now than I've ever been (well maybe not as a child but I think I'm as close as I can get to that.) I came out to my parents and am in a committed relationship with the girl of my dreams (and before you don't ask, it's not the girl that I was obsessing about for 2 years). I cry all the time, constantly, an act of kindness, a video on my phone, a random Tuesday, I actually weep. (Three cheers for improving my emotional intelligence.) I moved out of my parent's place and have been living with said girlfriend for over a year. As I said, a whole hell of a lot has happened. 

So why am I back?

Great question. 

Well, being locked down for over 7 months has given me a lot to think about. It's made me realize that I haven't been this lonely, since college. That realization led me to old stories I wrote, old journals, my old finsta, my old Tumblr, and ultimately here. Looking back at that stuff reminded me of that disconnected, isolated, anxiety ridden version of myself I hadn't thought about in probably 3 years and it felt a little too close to home. 

I don't think I ever really understood how lonely I was. I mean, I had to have had an idea because I wrote about it all the time, but I don't think I really understood. Looking back, I could just feel myself calling out for any kind of human interaction. In my stories I wrote about the girl who was never fully understood. On my finsta and Tumblr I posted for complete strangers. I let them in on my thoughts and feelings because I didn't know them and their opinions didn't carry as much weight as my family or friend (that's not a typo) which made it easier to be myself. I did the same here with my blog posts. First, I tried the DIY/Tutorial route with my alcohol ink sprays and Altoids tin watercolor palette, but that didn't go far. Then I switched it up to show my art/writing journal, but again that faded fast. Right before I left, I tried the classic "spill your guts" blog post style and then I disappeared for 4 years.

Four years ago I was pining after a girl who I haven't spoken to in over 2 years. Five years ago I was a senior in college with no friends and no idea how I was going to pay off $22,000 of student loan debt. Six years ago I was a junior in college who lived with my aunt and uncle and would pretend I was asleep so that I wouldn't be asked about my day because I never had any plans. During that time, I produced some of my favorite, most creative, artistic work. I was bold. I switched mediums often and even believed I could write a book someday. I want that back...minus the isolation and depression bits. I want to see if I can create while happy.

I guess I'll find out. 

With Love, 

X

I'm Falling Apart A Little Bit

Trigger Warning: Anxiety, depression, food, eating disorder

If any of the topics listed above are triggering to you, please do not read this post. I would suggest instead you watch this adorable video of a little girl singing her heart out until her brother comes in and interrupts her performance. I was crying from laughing so hard after watching this.
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I’m falling apart a little bit. I’m stressed. I’m anxious. I’m angry. I have this cloud of nervous energy constantly surrounding me. There are some things that I need to talk about and I don’t know how to and even if I did I don’t know who I’m supposed to talk to them about. It’s never been so bad that I haven’t been able to write about it, but I feel like if I let myself write it down I’m not going to be able to function and I have too much shit to do to fall apart right now. Work is all that’s keeping me going. Knowing that I have a responsibility to be somewhere and perform certain duties at a particular time is just about the only source of consistency that I have. I picked up three extra shifts. I’m working over 40 hours a week. I get home, eat and collapse in bed only to wake up the next day and repeat the cycle over again.

I don’t know how things are going with the girl I like. I’m getting all sorts of mixed signals from her and I don’t know if I should back off because I’m making her uncomfortable or keep going to see if she’ll pick up that I like her. Part of me thinks that she already knows I like her and I’m making her uncomfortable, maybe because she’s straight, maybe because she’s not interested in me, maybe because she’s uncomfortable being flirted with at work (not that you can really call talking to her about work in the five minutes we ever spend together flirting), maybe it’s something else. Another part of me thinks she has absolutely no clue that I like her, maybe she thinks I’m straight and just being friendly, maybe she just thinks I’m talking to her because it’s something to do at work, who knows?

Uncertainty! That seems to be the theme recently. I can’t seem to get a straight answer to anything and my anxiety and the stress and this other shit I’m dealing with is making everything so hard. I find myself wishing time away. I’m unsatisfied with everything I’m doing. I’m unhappy everywhere I am. Oh and top of everything else, I’m getting weird with food again. It’s been going on for about a month now and it’s almost like I don’t enjoy eating anymore. I’ll be sort of hungry and I know that I should eat and I make something for myself and I take a couple of bites and I feel like I can’t eat anymore. It’s not that I’m not hungry because my stomach will still be growling, but I feel like I can’t keep the food down, like each bite is a struggle to swallow, which is new for me. I’m starting to lose weight. I’m not eating enough to support the amount of work I do in a day. I’m tired. My nails are brittle. My hair and skin looks dull. My teeth hurt. 

I hope my future self and those of you reading this are in a much better place than I currently am and I hope that you continue to be in that same better place for a very, very long time. 

Hopefully I get better soon, 

X

I Can Finally See the Light

If I learned anything from this year, it’s that things don’t always go how you imagine them to go in your head. At the beginning of this year, I was exhausted, completely drained, and in a seemingly endless depression-like funk. Today, I’m still drained and still exhausted, but the depression, that’s gone, or at least dormant for now, and in its place is this terribly cliché sense of hope and limitlessness. For the first time since high school I actually believe that my future looks bright. How about that?  A large reason for this recent perspective change has to do with my new job. As of two days ago I became a library page at my local library. Ten dollars an hour and nineteen hours a week of pure bliss. I still have my retail job, and I’ll get to that later, but having this new position at the library has been so restorative. The people are so kind, helpful and thoughtful and there’s a real sense of camaraderie. Everyone is looking to offer support and help, whether that’s showing the new girl how to shelve books or telling a joke to a fellow coworker who looks like they could use a little pick me up. It’s a nice reminder of how great people can be.

As for my retail job. I know what you’re thinking, ‘what could possibly be good about your retail job? You always talk about how much you hate it.’ This is true. I still hate my retail job, however, I’m finally at the point where I’m able to be more myself with my coworkers. I’ve been able to hold conversations and make jokes and participate in the coworker bonding experiences that I felt so alienated from. Then there’s the crush I have on the girl I work with. When I say that this is the worst crush I’ve ever had on another human being in my life, I mean it. I like this girl so much I actually got to the point where I couldn’t eat or sleep because I was thinking about her so much. I like her so much that I’ll be watching TV or Netflix (if you haven’t watched Stranger Things on Netflix stop reading this right now and watch it, it’s so good) and think ‘hey, I bet she would like this.’ Or I’ll be driving home from work as the sun is going down and I’ll picture her sitting next to me smiling with her arms hanging out of the window. Or I’ll be walking past a restaurant and I’ll think of her sitting across from me.

But more than just picturing us together. I actually have it in my brain that I have a chance with this girl. That with some awkward conversations and some charm that I can get this girl to like me enough to hang out with me outside of work. I have no problem seeing myself introducing her to my family or friends. I have no problem seeing myself being introduced to her family. I have no problem seeing myself tell everyone at work that we’re dating. And if I’m being completely honest, she’s the only reason why I haven’t been putting forth that much effort to leave my shitty retail job. We only share a couple of shifts a month, but I have it in my brain that I can make her fall for me and once that happens I can quit and dye my hair forest green and we can listen to records in her room.  

And you want to know what the real kicker of this whole crush is. All the anxiety I have about explaining my sexuality to my family completely evaporates when I think of us together. Like, somehow the idea of having to explain her to my family, something that I’ve been dreading since I figured out that I am, in fact, non-hetero, completely disappears. Instead of the questions and conversion tactics that I expect from my family upon coming out, I see my family meeting her and being completely okay with me and my sexuality. Will that actually happen? Who the fuck knows? All I know is that I’m going to give this potential relationship with this girl my all. I’m going to be as adorable as I can. I’m going to casually try to find any reason I can to talk to her and compliment her. I’m not going to let my anxiety stop me from getting to know her better. And in the end, if it doesn’t work out, it’s not going to be because I didn’t give it my all, you know?

What did I tell you about being full of cliché hope? Anyway, I just thought I would leave a little update for the two of you who actually read these things. I hope you are having a wonderful day, afternoon, night, whenever you are reading this. Stay gold. 

Your hopeful writer,

X

Life After Uni...

It's that time of year. The time of year when your Facebook feed is loaded with images of smiling people in graduation caps; in long, heartfelt paragraphs detailing the importance of their uni experience. I try to avoid social media during this time of the year, well the social media outlets that connect me to the people I knew in high school. There's many reasons why I do this, for one, I graduated from uni a little over a year ago and now work as a sale’s associate at a shitty department store. I make minimum wage. I hate my job. I'm constantly treated as though I'm incompetent by people who know absolutely nothing about me and I guess it’s disheartening to see the people I used to know grow and change and learn when I feel so stuck. Also, seeing people graduate gives me this weird kind of amnesia-like nostalgia. I find myself looking back on my uni days through this distorted rose colored lens which makes me completely glance over the fact that I had no friends in college, NONE, I ate almost every meal alone, I locked myself up in my dorm room where I had a string of anxiety and panic attacks, I cried myself to sleep more times than I'd like to admit and I constantly wished I was back home with my family.

Just yesterday I was looking through some old journals I filled when I was at uni and it was literally painful reading how profoundly uncomfortable I was with myself and my situation. Don't get me wrong, I learned A LOT about myself over those three years and I do appreciate the person I've become because of my experience being essentially alone with myself for that period of time, but my uni experience was not great and it's definitely not an experience I should ever look back on with nostalgia.

Isn't it funny how the human mind glazes right over "traumatic" (not sure this is the right word to use here, maybe unsavory is more appropriate) experiences. Look how quickly after graduation I forgot about some of the worst times of my very short lived life. Amazing.

But what was I talking about, oh yeah, my life after uni. There have been some good things. I'm not nearly as anxious or depressed as I was before and I've really been working on managing the ups and downs which is something I never could have done if I hadn't gone to uni. I am working, which means I'm making money, which means I'm paying down my student debt, which means I'm making my way towards being student debt free. That's honestly what keeps me going these days, working to be debt free. It gives me a purpose and a goal to strive towards which is probably the hardest thing to manage once you're out of school. You go from being on this path, take 15 credits a semester, talk to your advisor once a month, show up to your classes, study for your finals, make sure to practice for that oral presentation you have to give in a week and a half, to nothing. All of a sudden you're out of school, you have a degree, and...then what? You start applying for jobs? What if the problem is not knowing what you want to do, not knowing what you're qualified to do, not knowing enough about yourself to make the big decisions you have to make in order to move forward? I don't know. I wish there was a class about that, maybe I wouldn't feel so lost.

I have a lot more to write about. I need to write more. That's priority number one for the upcoming months. Summer seems to be a very productive time for me. I'm like a plant I need the sun to survive, otherwise I just wither up and lose all my leaves. I want to use this blog as a place to vent. Not as personal as a journal, but more accessible you know? I want to hear about people who struggle to find themselves after college (wow I've become a cliché). I want to hear about people with depression or anxiety and how they deal with it. I want to be collaborative. I never wanted to make lots of money that was never my plan for life. All I wanted was to live somewhere quiet by the water. I don't know how to get there but it's something to strive for. Maybe that's the goal I'm looking for?

Till next time,

X